You may and can and will have it ALL

All caps means it is soooo important.

What else is important?

Bread.

Cheese.

Butter.

Eggs.

Fucking waffles. Yeah waffles too.

I took a cheese sandwich, dipped it in savory French toast batter and put it in the waffle iron. I cracked open my old trustworthy Ravenswood and waited. I ate.

Things were good.

Here is what to do.

Waffles-French-Toasted-Grilled Cheese Sandwich Yeah

• 2 pieces of bread
• 1-2 oz cheese
• 1 egg
• 2/3 cups half n half
• Dash salt
• More butter!!
• Big bottle of red

Heat the waffle iron. Whisk the egg, half and half and salt. Slice tiny slivers of cheese. Sadly you cannot put the cheese on too thickly or it’ll ooze into the waffle maker, so slice thinly. Put it on one piece of the bread. Put another slice of bread on top. Butter both sides. Then put into the waffle iron and cook away. Meanwhile open red wine. Ooh and ahh at your life. It is worth it. 

soviet cuisine

  
World history has never been my forte. Art history? Sure. Food history? Heck yah. Political movements? Not so much. It is not that I don’t get concepts-it is just that I am terrible with names and dates and I have a sneaking suspicion that what I am taught has been passed through a misogynist and Anglicized filter.

Oddly, I can recite recipes for chocolate chip cookies and umpteen cocktails, complete with amounts. And yet I cannot for the life of me remember years that things happened and then I get historical events out of order. Save remembering that WWI was before WWII. Got that one down.

So I’ve been gravitating towards cookbooks that teach me a bit of history too because where there is food involved I am more likely to remember. The CCCP Cook Book: True Stories of Soviet Cuisine deals with Soviet cuisine which is fascinating. The regime in power tried to promote an official cookbook and way of cooking for the all of the Soviet Union’s restaurant and catering businesses in order to get everyone serving exactly the same food everywhere, I suppose. That “official” cuisine seemed to veer towards Russian dishes, but the Soviet Union (aka USSR or CCCP) was pretty vast. The recipes that represent Soviet cuisine found in people’s homes ranges from Russian to Georgian to Tatar.

It is also interesting how much the the economics of the time drove the dishes. There is a reason for all those breadcrumb coated dishes. Meat at the time was scarce and the quality of what was available was poor. Crumbs disguised mystery meat. The lack of meat is the same reason there were so many canned fish, and varying patties of chopped meat.

Scarcity can also lead to remarkably good dishes. Eggplant “caviar” for instance. I’m not making it to replace real caviar. I’m making it because it is pretty dang delicious. Which I found shocking because rarely do I care for eggplant dishes.

The book is full of stories of dictators being jerks (to put it mildly) and the government being corrupt. The stories are alternately funny and sad. For instance the regime would champion eggs as not being so good for you when eggs were not readily available. When eggs finally were available in some abundance the government “realized” that eggs were in fact delicious and nutritious. Mmm, the tasty tales of executive power. By the time I finished reading and cooking through this book, I will be nourished both in body and mind.

As I mentioned, there are quite a few chopped meat recipes. There are some classics like sauerkraut, chicken Kiev, borscht and stroganoff. The recipe I am sharing is a sweet and spicy beet broth eaten with a toasted cheesy bread. Think of it as a variant of the classic pairing of grilled cheese with tomato soup. The topping on the toast is positively addictive. If you don’t like spice, you may wish to cut down the cayenne but being a nut for heat, I went all in.

The story behind this dish is about a chatty lil’ supper meeting between Stalin and Mao. Stalin steered Mao towards the soup because Mao grew up in southeast China, where the Hunan cuisine was full of the spicy flavors. Apparently at this dinner there was some wine drinking too, and Mao asked why Stalin liked to mix red and white wine. Stalin’s answer was that he liked creating his own bouquet of wine flavors. Now, I don’t recommend being like Stalin in general, and I REALLY don’t recommend mixing your red and white wine. But should you be into historical reenaction feel free to pop a couple of bottles open to wash down this meal. Just don’t reenact anything else the dictators might have been up to.

Borschtok with Spicy Toast adapted from The CCCP Cook Book by Olga and Pavel Syutkin

For borschtok:

2-2 1/2 liters meat stock (being veg, I substituted vegetable stock)
400 g (around a pound) beets
3 Tbsp. vinegar
1 egg white
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
1 tsp. sugar
For the toast:

2-3 slices white bread
25 g (almost 1 oz.) butter, plus some extra for frying
200 g (around 1/2 pound) semi-mature cheese (I used cheddar)
2 eggs
50 g (almost 2 oz) tomato puree or ketchup (I used tomato paste)
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
For the broth:

Add the beet, finely chopped, and the vinegar and egg white to the stock. Place over low heat and simmer 15-20 minutes. Add the cayenne and sugar and simmer another 5-7 minutes. Skim off any fat (if using meat stock) then run through a sieve (I lined mine with cheesecloth).

For the toast:

Heat the oven to 180 celsius or 360 Fahrenheit. Cut the bread into rectangular slices and fry in some butter. Grate the cheese and mix it with the tomato concoction of choice, eggs, butter and cayenne. Spread on the fried bread and bake in oven 10-12 minutes. Serve with the broth. Dip it. Dip it good.

Spinach and Artichoke Dip on bread. Dip in bowl. Dip da dip dip dippity do

Ohhhh my goodness. I am finally done with the season of Girls on GIRLS. Although we will be rolling out cocktail-making segments soon.
And in between doing a bunch of live shows that ran the gamut from improv to sketch to contortion for comedy, I decided to pull out some of the posts I had had in my drafts for a while. This is one of them. A recipe I’ve enjoyed enough to make more than once. That’s a big compliment from me because having to vet new cookbooks leaves little time for old favorites. The genius work of Joy the Baker keeps me coming back.

Here’s the deal:
I LOVE a sandwich. I cannot dislike anything involving ample carbohydrates.

Here’s the other deal with a sandwich though:
I only love it if I can eat it on a plate with a knife and fork so I can deconstruct and reconstruct as I like. Here, a bite of the whole sandwich, there, a forkful of filling. Then a leftover bit of bread from where I swiped the filling. That I may butter.

The third and final deal with a sandwich is that I rarely actually eat things that are supposed to be served on carbs ON the said carbs. I devour bowls of spicy salsa with a spoon pretty much daily. It is not so different from gazpacho right? Then I butter the chips.
And I rarely eat the cheese on cheese plates atop the slices of baguette that come with it. I nibble each bit of fromage individually. The better to really taste the cheese, my dear. Then I butter the baguette.

So I made this dip and enjoyed deconstructing a sandwich made with it, and still had leftover dip to gobble from a bowl. And at some point I ran out of bread but I always keep back-up butter.

Take home lesson from this blog post is this: ALWAYS HAVE BACKUP BUTTER.

Spicy Spinach and Artichoke Dip/Spread adapted from this recipe by Joy the Baker
Olive oil spray
1/2 tsp. chopped garlic
A few handfuls if baby spinach
2 pieces of whole wheat bread
1 Tbsp. cream cheese
2 oz. Swiss cheese, shredded
3/4 c. Chopped artichoke hearts
Pinch of fleur de sel
1 heaping Tbsp. Cottage cheese, mashed with a fork until relatively smooth
1 1/2 tsp. Sriracha
Butter
Spray a pan with the oil and sauté the garlic a bit then add the spinach, an cook just until wilted. Take off heat. Spread the bread slices with the cream cheese. Stir together the spinach mixture, Swiss cheese, artichoke hearts, fleur de sel, cottage cheese, and Sriracha. Heap as much as you want on top of cream cheese on one piece of bread, (save the rest for another sandwich, or if you are like me, eating out of a bowl) and top with other slice of bread, cream cheese side down. Spread outside of sandwich with butter and cook Ina skillet on each side until browned to your liking. Because it is all about you.

Triple Your Everything

Except nipples. Stick with two. If you have three, that’s all well and okay, but I’d only pierce the principle two.

Just to clear up any confusion I only have two nipples. And piercings.

So I’ve been pretty busy. My improv team has been booking more gigs outside of our weekly performance.

Auditions are back up and running.

I’m harloting around to casting director workshops like crazy in the name of ye olde pilot season.

Still reading and writing like a maniac for Hello Giggles.

AND most importantly Alice and I are planning our next pie party and boy is the theme of it this time a doozy. Let’s just say that my inner goth cook is hard at work.

So I’m busy. Ergo I am presenting you with a simple sandwich. I have a lot of random thoughts about/inspired by this recipe:

I’m not sure if it is an amazing recipe so much as fun. Maybe not amazing but WORTH IT.

I think everything is better with butter.

There are people who like grape jelly and people who like strawberry.
Of course I prefer blackberry or raspberry because I am persnickety. But will always take grape over strawberry. I think what you are raised with will always be the preference.

I was skeptical as to whether a slice of toast would do much for a sandwich, but then remembered how Bill Cosby used to put potato chips in his sandwiches, so I thought maybe crunch would be good.

It was. But I wanted to double the creamy to play against the crunch. So I did. Double the amount of PB and J initially called for. I adore the looks of this sandwich. It is so…architectural.

PBJ Triple from the allrecipes app
1 piece of bread toasted and cooled
2 slices untoasted bread
4 Tbsp. Peanut butter
4 Tbsp jam
Spread jam on one side of untoasted bread. Spread pb on either side of toasted. Make a sandwich. I hope you are capable of figuring it out.

I confirm the subscription of this blog to the Paperblog service under the username ellenclifford

The Sexy Beast. And pretzels.

It came in and conquered.

Yes, I’ve referred to my red KitchenAid food processor as my lover, but this…this being entered like a storm. I had lusted after a red KA mixer for ages. And I got one for my birthday. I had been making due with a hand mixer that no longer would go to it’s highest speed and just stop when faced with a dough that was even remotely stiff.

Suddenly there is a world open to me that was not there before: perfectedly kneaded bread doughs, whipped egg whites, perhaps the ice cream maker attachment will come into my life at some point.

You will note that it is red. Largely because it is so goddamn sexy. It is unnerving just how bodacious a kitchen appliance can be.

It is fitting that I have a red mixer because I am a Cardinals fan. If you are born in St. Louis they inject a hefty dose of Cardinals Baseball into you at birth.

I finally went to a game here in LA:

It is a bloody exciting time. The Cards versus the Dodgers. Whoever wins the series National League Championship Series goes to the World Series.

I hadn’t been to a game in ages and I loved it. Baseball is a meditation laced with moments where a maniac fan-monster takes over your body and you are screaming and hollering like an idiot. And then you settle in and watch some more. Love it.

I had been thinking about pretzels in honor of Octoberfest for a while. And thinking about baseball also had me thinking about pretzels. The big soft kind.

In my mind pretzels are not the sort of thing one can REALLY achieve at home. They are something you go somewhere to get. The only people who make them are the type of people who craft at home other foods you normally buy. Like Oreos.

Who friggin’ makes Oreos? Only overchieving vegans (Oreos are already vegan) and creepy bloggers who somehow think a gluten-free, date-infested, coconut cream-filled thing that looks sorta like an Oreo deserves to be called a “homemade Oreo”. I have news for them: it doesn’t matter what you name that monstrosity, or what it looks like, because it is not an Oreo. It is a travesty.

I thought I couldn’t achieve a pretzel. But I had the power of the Sexy Beast, and there seemed to be no better way to break it in.

I was nervous. I was suspicious. I did not do the best job shaping these. But as I removed them from the oven, I ripped into one. Let it cool for a moment then put it in my mouth.

My god. It was that pretzel taste. With the nice skin on it and everything. Holy moly I felt like a genius. Or a magician. Or Martha Stewart.

Or at least god.

big soft pretzels from America’s Test Kitchen’s Baking Illustrated
1 tsp. instant yeast
1/4 cup honey
1 tsp. salt
3 cups of bread flour plus more as needed
1 cup warm water (about 110 degrees)
Oil for bowl
3 Tbsp. baking soda
2 Tbsp. Kosher salt or otherwise large salt
Mix yeast, honey, salt, flour, and water in a stand mixer. Use a dough hook to knead until the dough forms a smooth, elastic ball, about five-seven minutes, adding a bit of extra flour af absolutely necessary.
Place in an oiled bowl and turn to coat dough with oil. Cover with plastic wrap and allow to rise until doubled, between 45 minutes and 1 1/2 hours. Punch down. Allow to rise until doubled again-30-40 minutes.
Put I’ve rack in the middle and heat oven to 450 degrees. Pour 6 cups of water and baking soda into a 12-inch skillet and heat to a boil.
Meanwhile line a baking heet with foil and spray with nonstick spray.
Divide dough into 12 pieces. Roll into ropes. I failed in getting them to the recommended 20 inches but you can try. Shape into pretzels. If you don’t know what a pretzel is shaped like…just google it. Put them on baking sheet. Use a skimmer or slotted spoon to put them in boiling water, top-side down. After 30 seconds use tongs or something like that to flip and boil another 30 seconds. Make sure they are well drained before you put them back on prepared sheet and sprinkle with salt. Bake between10 and 18 minutes-until nice and brown, turning the baking sheet after about 7 minutes. Remove to wire rack. Admire yourself.

The Things We Ate

I’m giving you two recipes AGAIN this week. Like I did last week.
I am going spoil you silly, my loves.

One recipe is gooooood (see above pic) and one is not. These recipes are both from a vintage cookbook. Chosen because of last week’s occurence.
All this is pre-amble to today’s tale:

Go crazy cooking nerds! I spoke to America’s Test Kitchen. Yep. Me, on the phone with Chris Kimball and Bridget Lancaster. Or B-lanks, as I like to call her. I called their podcast because I was a nerd, with a nerdy question about my nerdy vintage cookbook. Then I geeked out with them about those funny, funny quotes in the book about men and chervil.

Men and herbs. Hilarious.

I was SO NERVOUS. More nervous than when I perform. Well, maybe not quite as nervous as doing stand-up makes me, but I was at least as nervous as I am before an improv show. That’s the comedian’s scale of of nerves, I guess.
Listen to my nerdiness here. I come in around 8 minutes, 26 seconds.

Speaking of nerves, I am only mildly nervous for an improv how this Friday.

Right now my mind is more pre-occupied with nerves for this bloody wrist surgery I am getting Monday. Seems like things in my bionic arm are not in place, and one of the many plates in it needs to be taken out. If you wanna know the full bionic story i chronicled it here.

Yeaaaaaahhhh. It’ll be ok. Maybe I can get someone to take a picture if the innards of my arm. I’d do it, but I’ll be under anesthesia.

It’s FINE. Really. I’m being dramatic here.

Anyway. Food! Lets!

I included the disgusting Mulled Jelly recipe I told my ATK friends about in the interview. Scroll past for the deliciousness that is the other recipe. It is for egg toast. It’s a keeper.

The jelly.
Why bother trying to make it purty?

Grody!
It takes second in the weird department only next to the Dimetapp Pie made by the brilliant MadMan.

God I love italics. I even love the word italics.

Mulled Jelly

1 egg white
1 Tbsp. grape jelly
1 tsp. sugar
1 teacup boiling water
1 large cracker (or very dry toast)
Firstly, ya beat up the first few ingredients. Add agua and keep beating. Crack in the cracker. Choke down in the name of art.

Now the good. Not sure why it is called Nun’s Toast. Much like 1600 Penn today, there are many mysteries in the 1915 White House. Cookbook.
Nun’s Toast adapted from The White House Cookbook
Olive oil
1 Tbsp. butter
2 Tbsp. chopped onion
1 tsp. flour
1/2 c. Almond milk
2 sliced hard-boiled eggs
Sea Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Toast, buttered
Spray a small pan with olive oil and add butter. When it is melted, add onion. When onion is softened, add flour. Add milk stir all until smooth. Add eggs, salt, and pepper to taste. Stir until hot then pour over toast. Which is buttered. Duh.

It’s art! OR For the love of soggy bread: Milk toast, part deux

I tried to be artistic with my milk toast picture, but any which way you shake a stick of butter at it, it ain’t pretty:

Although a stick of butter by itself is a beautiful thing, when it is headed towards your mouth.

The imagery that just came to my mind was terrible. Please forgive my dirty filthy mind. Move along, nothing to see here.

Ah, milk toast.

According to my wordpress stats, it is an oft-searched term that leads people to the gruel. I jest not, it is! I delved into milk toast some time ago here.
It was oh so simple, and surprisingly good.

I teased y’all with the mention of an oven-cooked version.

Oooh, teasing with the milk toast. Teasers. Milk toast. Things that don’t go together. Sticks of butter going towards people’s mouths.

Geez, what the hell is wrong with me. As I SAID nothing to see here move along!

I must say, the oven-baked version had it’s merits…but was not so delightful to me as the stove-top version.

Make milk toast the stove-top way whilst it is chilly out.

As you dine you may think to yourself: milk toast, it’s not just for breakfast any more.
Or maybe: milk toast, it’s a way of life.
Or even: milk toast? Priceless.
Or some other cliche.
You WILL think these things.
Provided you like soggy toast.
Which you should.

But why should you take my word for it when I torture you with sexual butter imagery?

Try it for yourself and see.

And just in case you don’t feel like clicking over to my preferred milk toast style, here’s the oven-baked:

Milk Toast (oven version) adapted from Marion Cunningham’s brilliant The Breakfast Book

2 pieces of buttered bread
2/3 c. Almond milk
Sugar
Turn yer oven to 350. Line a small loaf pan with nonstick foil and spray with nonstick spray, or butter. Just say yes. Put buttered bread in. Fold excess foil over to create a cover for your dish unless the pan you are using came with a cover in which case save the world and use that. Although you are going to recycle your used aluminum foil anyway, yah?
Bake this about 30 minutes. Slide into a plate and if you are feeling it add a sprinkle if sugar. Rarely am I not feeling it particularly after an evening that involved imbibing a sazerac. For the love of absinthe.
Now rinse that foil. Because you are going to recycle it. This is your chance to redeem yourself! And an aluminum can.

Sticky

Sticky situation, when you make something as a gift and there is something wrong with it. See number two.

Two things I learned in the last week:

1) Just when you have given up on something, that is when it comes back. I had not gotten assigned a review from Blackboard Eats in forever (despite writing a month or so ago to remind them of my presence on their roster of reviewers) and decided that either my last review must have been horrible or that they had found more writers whom they liked better. Then out of nowhere they sent me to Sage which I reviewed here. Seriously the best vegan food ever. Go to Echo Park and indulge.

2) Pull your hair back in the kitchen. I made a new gingerbread recipe to give a friend for Christmas. I put a bit of the batter in a single muffin tin so I would be able to try it. I gave the gingerbread to my luckylucky friend. Later on, I tasted the muffin. Hot diggity, Cook’s Illustrated is the best. So I waited to hear what my friend thought.

He thought it was pretty good except one of my hairs was in it. Humiliation.
What the hell kind of Christmas present is that?

Pull your hair back in the kitchen.

3) Apparently I am intriguing and/or amusing enough to merit a Liebster award! The delightful super-runner-ridiculously-smart (she’s on her way to being a doctor) Nadiya nominated me. I gots me some facts (11) to give, some questions (11) to answer and some questions (11) to ask (surprise!) eleven other bloggers. It is a narcissists dream, I tell ya. Skip to past the recipe for all the Liebster lovin’.

For those of you who just want some sticky sweets, get cleaned up and get yer bake on.

This is the best gingerbread I’ve ever made and I shall love it forevah and evah cross my heart and secure my hairnet.

Gingerbread from Baking Illustrated (adapted jut a tad from Cook’s Illustrated)

2 1/4 c. Sifted flour
2 Tbsp. buttermilk powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. cloves
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. allspice
1 tsp. Dutch-processed cocoa powder
8 Tbsp. butter-melted and cooled to room temp
3/4 c. Molasses(not the robust or blackstrap type)
3/4 c. Sugar
1/2 c. Water
1/2 c. Almond milk
1 egg
Heat the oven to 350 F.
Whisk flour, buttermilk powder, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, allspice and cocoa together.
In another bowl beat butter, molasses, sugar, water, almond milk, and egg on low speed one minute.
Add to dry ingredients and beat on medium for a couple of minutes, scraping the sides of the bowl to get all the flour in. But don’t get carried away, you don’t want a ton of air whipped into this.
Spray a 9-inch square pan (I first lines mine with nonstick foil) with nonstick spray. I deeply fear sticking. Pour batter in. Even out with a spatula. Bake around 40 minutes. You want the top to spring back a bit when you lovingly touch it, and the sides should be pulling away. Take out. Cool as much or little as ye please.

Liebster time!

11 Random Facts
1) I wrote a play about breasts called FLAT: a play about small breasts and everything else that’s great in life.
2) I go hiking at night-the Sierra Club leads these arse-kicking hikes through Griffith Park that are perfect for vampires like me.
3) When I was 14 I hung out with satanist vampire wanna-be’s nearly twice my age. Stupid move on everyone’s part, but I’ve got stories to tell.
4) I have a bionic arm. The white stuff is metal:

5) I used to draw all the time. In college I even took classes at the art school part of Wash U but between studio time drawing and rehearsal/class time for acting I ran out of time and frankly, creative energy
6) I love animals. I wanted to be a vet up until I was maybe 14 and changed my plan to acting.
7) I was a C-section baby
8) I am a hard-core minimalist when it comes to furniture and decor. There is nothing more beautiful than empty space. I don’t like owning too much stuff, although I hang on to clothes because I never know when I’ll need something for a role or audition.
9) I don’t love kale (I prefer Swiss chard) and I think agave syrup is no good. No good at all. Give me some friggin’ corn syrup.
10) I played and performed taiko drums with a group in St. Louis. Taiko drums are the large, thundering Japanese drums. Here is me doing it! We got hired to play all over the Midwest, actually. If you want to see them, contact them here.
11) I am getting really into wine and cocktail mixing but I hate being drunk and avoid it much as I can. I don’t mind getting relaxed yeah, I really hate feeling drunk

And now my answers to Nadiya’s questions. I’d list the questions but based on my answers I am going hope y’all can figure them out.
1) Number one thing I love about having my blog is probably when I can be really funny or maybe it’s that I am much more experimental than unused to be. No, it’s the laughter thing.
2) My relatives do know about my blog.
3) If I could change one thing about the world it would be that we’d follow the golden rule more and treat others the way we want to be treated.
4) My favorite song is…geez, I don’t know. Something by Nine Inch Nails, if I really had to pick. Or Bach’s cello suite number one in G major.
5) If I could learn another language it would be Japanese, I started classes in it in college but remember nothing. Heh, I could talk to my agent in his original language then think it is a beautiful language though and I’d like to visit Japan…
6) …which brings me to my dream destination: Japan. Of places I’ve never been I want to go there-of places I’ve been though I really want to go back to Paris.
7) The craziest thing I’ve ever done was probably the weird eating/exercising behavior I had when I was all eating disordered and stuff.
8) My favorite subject in school was probably art class. No, Spanish class. No, art.
9) I never cheated on a test.
10) My favorite hot beverage is a cup of coffee at Meshuggah in St. Louis. They hand make each cup, basically giving you an Americano: espresso and hot water.
11) If safety were no an issue a pet snow tiger would be lovely.

My nominated bloggers-who I am not sure if even read my blog but we shall see…and guys, if quizzes aren’t your thang, feel free to skip and take my nomination as an expression of my admiration for what you do:)
1) Sabrina at Miboso. Full of good life stuff from one of the most caring and lovely humans I have the privilege of knowing.
2) Joy the Baker who I am positive doesn’t read my blog but if you don’t read her already, you should.
3) Shin’s Vegan Lovin’
Even if you aren’t vegan, she makes awesome vegan bento that are too cute in all the right ways. Go ooh and ah at the adorable creations.
4) Eden who writes Eden Eats Everything. She is so funny and probably too cool to be reading this, but I’d love to know her answers.
5) Ellie, one of the sisters who write Boots n Burbs. You never know what little bit of awesome-ousity they’ll be posting from music to vocabulary to clothing.
6) Melissa at Melissa Was Here. She’s a model. Tells it like it is.
7) Ameena at Fancy That, Fancy This who chronicles her life in a way that you can’t stop reading. Ameena, if you are too busy or find this a pain in the arse to do, no sweat-I can only imagine how wickedly busy life as a working mom is. But the offer to take part is yours if you like.
8) Kelly at Foodie Fiasco. So clever you wouldn’t believe she’s 15.
9) Averie who writes Averie Cooks. Great recipes!
10) Either one or both of the Spoon Fork Bacon girls. Their
photography is smashing.
11) Eleanor who founded this site with me and now writes the interesting and informative Vicinity Blog. Go read it and contemplate her genius. She’s my fwife so of course I want to know what she’s thinking. Although I know her busy life so Eleanor of you don’t wanna do it, no sweat.

Now the questions, many of which have possibly been asked before:
1) What is your favorite office supply? For instance, are you a post-it abuser or is the three-hole punch more your style? Do tell.
2) If forced to wear one color forever what would it be?
3) Favorite adult beverage-you can give both a summer and winter one if you want, because I know the season affects choices. Kelly (or any bloggers who don’t drink)you can tell me a non-adult drink or if you like the virgin types of alcoholic drink you enjoy.
4) Do you root, root, root, for any team or love any sport? Did you play it?
5) Do you keep your nails or toes polished? How and by who?
6) Write me a four sentence short story.
7) Do you prefer shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet?
8) Have any phobias?
9) What do you geek out about? Comics? Cooking? Movies? Chemistry? Inquiring minds want to know.
10) Were you an only child? Or if you had siblings, how many and where do you fall in the line-up?
11) What is the best thing about and/or favorite place to go where you live?

Phew, that was exhausting. I’m spent. I’m going to eat some more Christmas cookies now.

Tomato toast

I cannot say much more than that this is not a recipe you should put off making. And don’t leave out any of the required elements. This toast is delicious in flavor but rises to new heights by the interplay of contrasting yet complementary textures.

My, that was a lot.

La di da.

I really am a snob. It’s true. I listen to Bach and act in Shakespeare plays and read big books n stuff.

But I was talking about texture. The crunch of the toasted crumbs, the crisp bread becoming tender (and if you are me PURPOSELY soggy) bread. Lilts of butter.
Optional: nutritional yeast
You can sprinkle it on, just for cheezy vegan kicks.

Although I doubt Marion Cunningham was big on the nooch.

But if you are vegan use vegan margerine for butter and if you are gluten intolerant use gluten-free bread.

Tomato Toast from The Breakfast Book by Marion Cunningham

1 c. Skinned chopped tomato
6 Tbsp. fresh bread crumbs
2-3 Tbsp. butter
1/8 tsp. dried sage
Freshly ground salt and pepper
2 pieces toast
Melt a bit of butter over medium heat, brown bread crumbs whilst stirring. Set aside and stir in sage.
Melt some more butter, stir in tomato. Add salt and pepper and cook, stirring til it is fairly dry and spreadable as a whore’s legs. Don’t spread those. Spread on buttered toast.

Boyfriends and bran

Surely if I had one he’d desire his lady to have good digestion. Enough to make her bran muffins.

And he did. Well, my cookbook lovah Mark Bittman at least made a bran muffin recipe. When he was writing his cookbook. I need higher standards.

In the meantime I’m still seeing that classy lady, my career. Sexy wench just gave me the gift of turning a short I’m set to act in into a feature so I supposed I should reward her.

I made not one but two renditions of bran muffins. Because ladies are all about their muffins.

One version with the egg separated, for the fluffy factor, one with whole eggs. Generally girls like to keep their eggs intact but I preferred the muffin with the separated.

Then I went girly and consulted my new Joy the Baker Cookbook and made a pretty pb and j milkshake:

As you can see I tried to make it pretty by layering in a wine glass but there was a huge amount so in the end my hot career and I just cozied up and ate this super-thick shake out of a bowl:

These are the exciting things you can do in a long-term relationship, people. I love my career, I do I do. To us I say I do.

Make your own love muffins.
That’s all!

Bran Muffins(reduced and adapted from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian)

2 Tbsp. applesauce
1/2 c. Flour
1/2 c. Wheat bran
1 Tbsp. honey or more maple syrup
1 Tbsp. maple syrup
1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1 egg, separated or not
1/2 c. Almond milk
Heat ya’ oven up to 400. Hot! You and your oven. Spray 5 muffin cups with a lady-named nonstick spray or one of her cheaper knock-offs.
Mix dry stuff. Beat wet stuff. If you separated your eggs only add the yolk. Add wet to dry. Stir in until all is moistened. Don’t overdo this. Lumps are fine n dandy. If you separated your egg, you must now beat the white until stiff, but not dry peaks form. Fold in. Spoon into cups. If you have empty ones put some agua in them. Bake 20-ish minutes. Do the toothpick test.
Present them to yo lovah fo evah.