Chocolate Pecan Tart

Seeing as the next of my epic pie parties is scheduled for next month and I still haven’t given you the tart recipe from the last one (although I more than repaid you in giving the horchata cocktail, methinks) I thought it was high time to post this.

Acting is getting busy AGAIN! Just look at my star ranking, haha. Super.

Exciting Moment in Improv

Between acting and improv (which as you see from above frequently ends with me splayed out on the floor) and this lil’ column I’ve got my hands full. You should click all those links. Because the other thing keeping me so busy is self-promotion. Haha, again. Sort of. I jest. Or do I? Even I do not know.

So let us discuss the edibles. This pie is like a giant hunk of candy. It looks pretty, it tastes like dark sunshine (the kind with antioxidants) and is much easier than you would surmise. It is one of those things I made on a whim first when I was probably not even a teen yet. If I recall correctly we bought just enough cream to make it. My dad was helping me and the two of us burnt the cream. We had to wait until we could go back to the store the next day and get more cream to finish it.

But it was so blimey good I’ve held on to and repeated the recipe many a time since the Great Cream Incident of Nine-ty Something-or-Another.

Do make this. Don’t be me and get behind on your pie. It’s important.

Chocolate Pecan Tart adapted from Bon Appetit (from their RSVP section so they got it from a restaurant I know not any longer which one though because I wrote it down and tossed the magazine long ago)
2 cups pecans
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 heaping tsp. cinnamon
2 Tbsp. butter, room temp
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 cinnamon stick
8 oz. Bittersweet chocolate
4 oz. Semisweet chocolate
Heat oven to 325. In a food processor blend nuts, sugar and cinnamon until finely ground. Add butter and blend until mixed. Press into a 9-inch tart pan with a re moveable bottom or follow my lead and line a 9-inch pan with foil so you can lift out and unmold your tart later. Bake until lightly browned, around 20 minutes. Allow to cool. Chop chocolate. Bring cream and cinnamon stick to a simmer. Stir in chocolate until melted. Pour into tart crust, removing cinnamon stick. Put in fridge to chill. Unmold before serving.

Too darned good again, I never learn my lesson

I initially made the basis for today’s edibles when I had just delved into the sordid underbelly of food blogs. Hence the shabbier than shabby pictures, and lack of recipes in many of my early posts.
My friend Maurice lived for those cakes, which originally were made with potato. He is an awesome friend. Also my acting partner in crime as we get together and help each other prep for auditions and such. Then we don’t feel so alone like the tortured artists we are. Ennui, etc…Being as such, I will make (almost) anything for him. And I let him finish the original batch of these cakes. I should have made more, as he kept asking for the “things with kelp”. He is now more than well schooled in kale, fortunately or not.
I didn’t get a chance to share my butternut squash version of these with him because again, they were TOO DARNED delicious and I devoured them all.
Butternut Kale Cakes adapted from this recipe in the January 2011 Bon Appetit
For Cakes:
1 cup cooked, mashed butternut squash
2 tsp. butter
1/2 tsp. kosher salt, divided
freshly ground black pepper to taste
olive oil spray
1/3 cup chopped onion
1/4 tsp. minced garlic (I used jarred)
8 lacinato kale leaves, cleaned, stemmed, and chopped
1 Tbsp. chopped fresh sage
1 tsp. dried powdered thyme
dash nutmeg
For Rouille:
1/2 cup reduced fat mayonnaise
Heaping dashes of cayenne and paprika OR Sriracha
1/4 tsp. minced garlic
Salt and freshly ground pepper to taste.
Mash up the squash with the buttah, 1/4 tsp. salt, and some pepper. Heat olive oil spray over medium then sauté the onion until softened. Add kale, garlic, 1/4 tsp. salt, and sage and sauté until the kale is wilted and all liquid has evaporated. Stir into the squash with the thyme, nutmeg, and more pepper if you like. Allow to rest for about 20 minutes and heat the oven to 350 degrees F. Bake 20 minutes on one side then gently flip and cook 20-30 minutes more. These are delicate. If you like broil for maybe one minute to get a bit crispy on the outside. Meanwhile, thoroughly mix up rouille ingredients. That was difficult. Hot or cold, these are grand.

Everyone Else is Doin’ It

I might jump off the bridge, I dunno. Particularly if it was a bikini bridge. I’m pretty much repulsed by that whole thing. The fact that it started as a hoax should say something about how dumb it is. Has anyone noticed that the latest body goals of women don’t have anything to do with the body, but rather with the absence of body? The thigh gap. The bikini bridge is the empty space between the swimsuit and your body as the bikini stretches across your sharp pointy hipbones. Gross. Okay, that is enough venting.

I have far too much to do to be jumping off Thinspiration Bridge, and I have enough practice with falling from high high heights. Maybe I’d do the real bridge jump, but I would have a nice bouncy trampoline arranged to catch me. That could be fun. Kidding, Mom. Just kidding. I wouldn’t put my head at risk, never fear.

In this post, we are going to look at chocolate as a metaphor for the trampoline under the bridge. And the jumping part I am partaking of is a green smoothie, which EVERYONE else is blogging up these post-holidays days.

My lack of spare time is actually part of why I make so many friggin’ smoothies. The other part is my deep love of wielding my immersion blender aka my kitchen paramour (I fit him in between the sexy beast and my boyfriend). A male friend of mine saw the base of it sitting out and briefly thought that it attached to something that would help me deeply love myself. I showed him the bladed attachment and assured him I am not that much of a masochist.

According to every other single blog in the entire universe, the green smoothie is what will save you, not kill you. Oh yes, it is “cleansing season” which is ridiculous, if you ask me. In theory it sounds lovely but in reality it is just a bunch of vegetables and juicers and blenders and overly enlightened people. Sorry if you are one of them. It’s ok. Different strokes for different folks. You’ve got your bridge and I have my trellis. This smoothie will neither cleanse you nor do your laundry, but it is tasty and healthy-ish.

All this being said, the fact that everyone was making these things called “Green Monsters” was intriguing. A well-named recipe can really lure a girl in. I do enjoy a good smoothie, so I gave a few recipes a try. After recovering from the various taste-bud wounds inflicted from jumping off overly banana-y tasting bridges, I decided to devise my own protein-filled, smooth, tasty, almost-ice-cream-sort-of smoothie that yah, yah, had some green in it, but in the form of fresh mint, yah? Yah. If you don’t have the fresh mint you can use some peppermint extract but then you only have a green-in-theory Chocolate Monster.

This Green Monster is rather pretty, to be called a monster, what with the fresh mint. But then, in real life monsters are neither green nor monstrous. Nor chocolate-y. Discuss.

Mint Chocolate Monster
1/2 cup cottage cheese
6 Tbsp. Chocolate protein powder (this recipe hinges on good-tasting protein, I use the MRM Veggie Protein)
big, big ol’ handful of fresh mint
handful of spinach if you feel it
1/2 a frozen banana, also optional
1 1/4 cup chocolate almond milk
sweetener of any ilk to taste
pinch of xanthum gum, if you like a super-thick drink
Blend like your life depends on it. You needs must blend this until you think it cannot get smoother and then a minute longer to get the aerated smooth texture. Unless you own a vita-mix in which case you probably just have to pulse it a second and you’ll have hot smoothie soup. If you have a vita-mix, good on ya. I’m jealous.

Pâtés for Vegs:

I thought maybe the elegant butter knife would give my mushroom pâté a bit of class.

Lemme tell you. Pâté is something we should all eat, in some shape or form. Being a vegetarian I feel shame in saying this, but if you ever get your hands on some pâté de foie gras you should gobble that stuff up. Am I going to be arrested for saying that?

I ate it once. I was in a restaurant on Oahu. In my probably-wrong memory it may have had some stars. Or maybe it just had a lot of dollar bill signs beside it in the guidebook. I was twelve. We had planned the family vacation there based on the fact that my papa had a conference to go to at the Waikiki Hilton Hawaiian Village so hey, that was airfare and board for one person. My parents made the mistake of letting me do a great deal of the research on what there was to do. I voraciously devoured travel guides and made lists of what to see and where to go and most importantly…where we should eat.

I do not actually remember that much about the restaurant or the meal besides that pâté and dessert-they gave us a Diamond Head-shaped chocolate filled with chocolate truffles to take home.

We had the pâté on the table as an appetizer and I did not know what it was. I only knew it was some of the most divine stuff ever. Better than butter? Ye gods. Then I asked my mom what it was and promptly lost my desire for it when I found out it was goose liver. Then later that summer I became a vegetarian-which I had wanted to do for years, but it was a matter of being old enough to cook myself something separately from the family so my lifestyle choice wouldn’t be a pain in the butt for my mom.

I never much cared for meat in the first place, and non-leather shoes are cheaper than leather ones, so being a veg has not been hard. And just so you meat-eaters know, I don’t begrudge you your meat. I think different bodies need different things. Mine needs dairy, hence me not being vegan. It’s sort of sad. It used to be that people would be impressed by my veggie life, but now I just get “Oh, but not vegan?”. To which I emphasize that I buy cage free eggs and organic milk products as much as possible, but still…vegetarians have become the sad middle road, I guess.

Let’s get back to the pâté. I am giving you two meat-free options today, one of them even vegan. I am sure they probably don’t compare with foie gras, but they are not really trying to do that-they are impeccable in their own right. Mushrooms and eggs are two of the most perfect edible things on earth, and I stand by my pâté. Actually it is my dreamboat-cooking-crush Mark Bittman’s pâté. I stand by my man.

The egg one is considerably less chic in appearance than the mushroom I’m afraid:

I think I just started gobbling it before it could be molded. I don’t mind if you do that too. Actually, please do that too. Go forth and gobble.

Mushroom Pâté slightly altered from How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman
Olive oil
1/2 c. chopped shallots
4-5 baby carrots, chopped
1/2 stalk celery, chopped
1 lb. white shrooms’ cleaned and roughly chopped
Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
1 Tbsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 piece of bread, crumbled

Heat a skillet with a dash of oil over high heat. Add shallots, carrot, and celery and cook and stir until shallot is translucent. Sprinkle in some salt and grind in some pepper. Cool another couple minutes. Add tomato paste, then stir and cook about another ten minutes.
Turn off heat and allow to cool. Then put in your lover-that would be your sexy red Kitchen aid food processor you got for a song because it was factory refurbished.
Add crumbs and lemon. Blend until smooth, adding more bread crumbs if too thin or water if thick. It should be sturdy but spreadable. Give it a Tate and add more salt, pepper or lemon if you want.
Put in whatever mold or dish you want and chill. Find a snazzy serving knife.Yum it up.

Egg Salad Pâté adapted from How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman
3 hard-boiled eggs, peeled and chopped (one yolk discarded)
3 Tbsp. reduced-fat mayo
1 1/2 tsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 slice bread and butter pickle, chopped
1/2 tsp. dried dill
Salt to taste
Freshly ground pepper, to taste
Mix it all up. Mix it good. Put in container shaped how you want it to be shaped. Or just get a fork.

Molded greens unmolded

Because I thought you deserved a pretty picture for once.

It is tasty too.

That really is all I have to say for myself. I think every original thought in my head is being nabbed by my weekly improv shows. And it’s the season of being up to my gills in scripts, shoots, rehearsals, classes, auditions blahbittyblahblahblah. Good thing I am not trying to make any Möby-us Pie this week.

So enjoy the cute picture. Betty done good.
Molded Greens adapted from the Betty Crocker New Picture Cookbook

1/2 10 oz. package of frozen spinach
Handful of baby spinach
1/2 tsp. minced shallot
Pinch nutmeg
Salt and pepper to taste
Hard-boiled egg, sliced
Lemon slices
Put spinaches, onion and shallot in a bowl and microwave until hot, stir all together and squeeze out extra water. Mix in spices then pack into a ramekin. Can be prepared up to this point and put in the fridge! Before serving bake in a 300 degree oven for about 15-20 minutes. Unmold and garnish with egg and lemon. Adorbs! Ick, don’t say adorbs.

Radish, butter, salt

It’s just that simple. Cut radish in half. Spread with butter. Sprinkle with fleur de sel.
In other exciting news, I wrote the America’s Test Kitchen podcast with a question and friggin’ got to talk on the phone to Christopher Kimball and Bridget Lancaster. If they air it I’ll link up that shiznit.
There is also this:

Third Annual Pumpkin Week in Spring Day Three: Pumpkin balls

I must interrupt this regularly scheduled pumpkin post to pimp my acting. I had the joy of acting in this lil’ ditty:

Beware the Gluten Monster!

Now onto this recipe. Which is NOT free of The Dreaded Gluten.

Pumpkin balls?
Hell to the friggin’ yes.
This is Thanksgiving in a ball.

Pumpkin Balls adapted from the allrecipes app
Olive oil spray
1/4 c. Onion, chopped
1/2 tsp. minced garlic
1 tsp. dried sage
1 1/2 pieces wheat bread, toasted and crumbled
6 Tbsp. pumpkin purée
2 Tbsp. beaten egg
1/4 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. freshly ground black pepper
Heat the oven to 375 F. Spray a pot with olive oil and sauté the onion until soft and clear, then add garlic and sage and sauté a bit longer. Transfer to a bowl and stir in everything else. Shape into balls. Put them on a greased or Pam-ed baking sheet and bake until firm, around 15 minutes.

Third Annual Pumpkin Week in Spring Day Two: Pumpkin protein pancakes

In a shocking move on my part, I’m going to say these are not the pancake to put butter on.
Observe cottage cheese and cinnamon topping.
It’s Tuesday. You’re busy, I’m busy (doing my mistress) and I think I should just get on with the goods.
Pumpkin Protein Pancakes from the NuNaturals recipes originally from Foods of April
1/2 c. Cottage cheese
1/2 c. Liquid eggs whites(3-ish)
1/2 c. Pumpkin
1/3 c. Oats
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ginger
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking powder
A few drops of liquid stevia
Use a blender, food processor or immersion blender(weapon of my choice) and blend.
Heat up a pan or griddle, give a spray of something non-stick, and cook em up.

All Choked Up

I cannot resist a decent pun.

I really love this. It’s all elegant looks but elegant is just egg minus a g and plus a few other letters.

Because this is really just extra-tasty egg salad.
I covered my love of remoulade, oui?

Less elegant, but easier, is to serve the dip in a bowl like a sane person:

Artichokes Stuffed with Remoulade Egg Salad (adapted from Everyday Cooking with Dr. Dean Ornish
2 artichokes, steamed or boiled
2 chopped egg whites
1/4 cup reduced fat mayo
2 Tbsp. chopped parsley
2 tsp. brown mustard
Dash ketchup
1 tsp. chives
2 tsp. sherry wine vinegar
1 tsp. capers
Slice the cooked chokes in half and use a spoon to take out the thistle-y center.
Mix the remainder of the ingredients, take and play. Love capers? Add more. Need mo mustard in your life? Go for it. For elegance, spoon into the artichokes, or just serve on the side.

A loaf! A seasonal drink! Being a guest post-er! And some striped tights in your face (see pic) just because

Popularity should not matter.
And yet.
I get hung up on how many people are clicking on my IMDB page. Shameless actress behavior.
I get hung up on how many readers my lil’ blog has. And how popular other bloggers are. Like my girl Kelly over at Foodie Fiasco.
Owing to the fact that she made use of the most fantastic mot “fiasco” I think the food-loving powers that be can get over her use of the word “foodie”.

Really, word snobs, get off yer high horse. It’s not like she used the word “moist”. Or like I used the word “cunt”.

Yeah I went there.

And it’s not actually a bad word. Read the book “Cunt” by Inga Muscio, author and feminist.

OMG the f-word! I’m on fire. Fuck.

Anyway read “Cunt”. You may learn something.

I’m gonna get back on track. We were talking about way-kool Kelly!

This popular gal let me write a guest post!

I made a bulgur loaf you can read about here.

And now because I love you even more, and because Kelly is only fifteen so she couldn’t take my cocktail recipe and put it on her blog, I give you some seasonal goodness in the form of a blood orange cocktail.

Blood oranges are all over the interwebs this week, but me posting this recipe has less to do with me being a joiner and more to do with the fact that blood orange season really is ridiculously brief and I want you to make this whilst you can.

No, you cannot substitute regular orange juice.

This is so easy and elegant. You can relish the fact that you have the prettiest drink. Oh yes you do. And yet it is also slightly manly in its deep red hue.

It’s a drink for all people. But not for all seasons. Boo-yah!

Blood Orange Champagne Cocktail from this recipe in Bon Appetit)
1 1/2 tsp. creme de cassis
3 Tbsp. freshly squeezed blood orange juice
Champagne
Slice of blood orange
Add creme de cassis and orange juice. Top with champagne. Garnish with slice.