Faux real

I do not like Thai. Maybe once a year I try. I am aware taste buds change and evolve, but I’ve been hating Thai for a good long time now, and it never changes.
I saw this recipe labeled as “faux” Thai, so I thought maybe I’d like it. It did not have the stuff that I don’t care for in Thai, like coconut. Oh coconut. I hate to say hate but I hate it.

The blogger/faux Thai creator, Nadiya, suggested that serving these noodles for a date was a great idea. Right-o.
Seeing as I had a film shoot the next day, I figured I should really try to mix things up for my lover (which is to say my career-we’ve been together almost a year now!) and try the exotic flavors of not-exactly-Thailand.

I try and keep it hot for my career.

I’m thinking Thai spice would be the kick-start our relationship needs to land me a pilot in the new year.

Nadiya had tried a thing or two from the gruel, most recently this BBQ flavored recipe. It is one of my most favorite recipes which SHOCKINGLY involves tofu. Since she was blogging my stuff I wanted to be a good and giving blogger and try some of her stuff.

I like faux Thai! So did my mistress who alerted me that there is now an imdb link for the movie I did for the Chiller Network. It was a short called “Listen My Children” that is now part of a five part anthology called “Chilling Visions”. Hopefully it will air late winter or early spring. I’ll be on tv y’all! Moving on up.

Who knew.

Faux Thai Noodles adapted from Nadiya’s Milk and Honey on the Run

1 package of shirataki noodles, drained, rinsed, and microwaved a minute or so
1/3 c. Chopped onion
1 c. Halved snow peas
2-4 Tbsp. chopped jarred roasted red bell pepper
1/4 c. Soy sauce
2 tsp. H2O
2 tsp. vinegar
1 tsp. peanut butter
1 tsp. brown sugar
Black pepper and hot sauce (I used Tabasco, sriracha would be divine)

Mix the water, peanut butter, vinegar and brown sugar in a small bowl and set aside.
Spray a skillet with nonstick spray, and sauté the onions until they are translucent, add peas and peppers for a minute, then the noodles, then the soy sauce and finally water mixture. Stir between each addition. Sauté until all is nice and hot. Add peppers and chili to taste and serve your wench this delight.

Mad Man’s Brilliance

I introduced you to the culinary stylings of my brother’s mad scientist compadre (whom we are calling MM) with this purple pie.

Twas’ unfair, really, as I should have started with his AMAZING cranberry concoctions. He made both sweet and savory cranberry sauces, the former saving my not-sweet-enough-and-underspiced-because-my-brother-doesn’t-properly-stock-his-kitchen pumpkin pie when I got the brilliant idea to use it as a pie topping, the latter receiving raves from all carnivores on hand.

I’m thinking a New Year’s resolution will be to not use so many run-on sentences.

And to not resort to terse monosyllabic sarcasm instead.

Elegantly crafted sentences of the proper coherent length!

Someday.

The sauces! MM gave me his estimation of what he did. A mad scientist never make notes while cooking, they just maniacally stir cauldrons and cackle. Or so I like to imagine MM doing in chilly Chicago where the cold seeps into the brains of its residents and leads them to such kitchen shenanigans.

Back in LA I made scaled down renditions of the sauces, even the bacon one! Litelife makes surprisingly tasty smoky tempeh strips called Fakin’ Bacon. MM is a renegade chef so I figured I should follow in his spirit and not be tied down to what he had done.
Here be my tempeh-bacon version:

Sip a Sazerac while making these.
I did.

Actually I made two different Sazerac recipes, from which I plan to concoct my ideal Saz and post it later. But you see the first two versions hanging out behind the bacon sauce.

Never thought “bacon sauce” would be words blogged here.

And good golly!

Apparently I like not only absinthe, but bourbon. Trouble’s a brewing!

Bourbon, berries, and bacon, baby.

MM’s Orange-Whiskey Cranberries, my adaptations (because I didn’t have enough cranberries and booze) in parenthesis

1 1/2 bags of cranberries (I had only two cups)
Juice of two oranges (I used one)
Zest of one orange (1/2 an orange)
About 4 shots of bourbon (4 Tbsp. of Jameson)
1 1/2 c. Brown sugar (1/2 c. Brown, 1/4 of white)
1 tsp. cinnamon (1/2 tsp. cinnamon and a dash of nutmeg)
Put everything in a pan, add H2O to a bit below the cranberry line. Bring to boil then reduce and thicken to taste. Add salt to taste. Gets thicker as it cools so leave it a wee bit soupy, says me. If you made a pumpkin pie that wasn’t sweet enough too, use this as a topping!

MM’s Bacon Cranberries

8 slices of bacon (3 slices “Fakin’ Bacon-LiteLife’s smoky tempeh bacon strips)
1 Vidalia onion, chopped (1/3 c. Chopped yellow onion)
Garlic (I used 1/2 tsp. chopped)
1 chopped Granny Smith apple (1/3 c. Chopped Fuji apple)
1.5 bags cranberries (2 c.)
Water to come up 1 inch below cranberries
1 1/2 c. Sugar (1/2 cup)
Chili powder (1 tsp.)
Sriracha (2 tsp.)
A bouquet garni of black peppercorn, rosemary and bay leaf (A grind or so of black pepper, a pinch of dried rosemary, bay leaf)
Salt to taste
If using bacon, render the fat, chop bacon and set bacon aside. Use the fat to cook onion, garlic and apple. If not using bacon, chop the Fakin’ and set it aside. Spray pot with a nonstick spray before sautéing onion, garlic and apple. Add cranberries, water, sugar, Sriracha, chili powder, bouquet garni or black pepper, rosemary, and bay leaf (and if you are using the Fakin’ add it now) and reduce. If using regular bacon add once it cools, add salt if you like. Don’t forget to take out the bouquet garni, or bay leaf if using the dried herbs.

I never fake it

BEFORE we get to the fake meat, two things:
1) Last night was a veritable orgy of my pie, wine, friendship and massive celebration at City Sip as we watched Obama win! I am so happy that we get him for the next four years.
2) I am excited to share that I was featured on a vegan blog. Shin’s Vegan Lovin’ is friggin’ adorable. Her vegan bento boxes will make you swoon. Not faint. Swoon. Her post featuring moi is found here.
So in honor of her, and her delightful vegan eats

I pity the fu

Eat with chopsticks.

We discussed this. It’s real fun n stuff.

I pity the fool who totally rules out tofu.
That fool was me. Don’t let the fu be u.

I admit that tofu dishes generally underwhelm me. But every so often a tofu use stands out as wonderful. To be frank I think most things that get the barbecue sauce treatment probably transcend their usual taste limitations.
Note that I did not say you actually have to BBQ these. I’m not really all that thrilled with grilled food. But BBQ sauce? I love it.

So get some tofu, but eat the fu’, don’t be one.

Feelings about tofu? Do tell. That means you, lurkers. Please?

BBQ Tofu adapted from New Recipes from Moosewood Restaurant
One 12oz. Package of firm silken tofu
1/2 c. Finely sliced spring green onions
1/2 Tsp. minced garlic
1/2 tsp. chili powder
1/4 tsp. ground coriander
3/4 tsp. ground cumin dash cayenne
1/3 roasted red bell pepper, chopped
SAUCE:
2 tsp. soy sauce
2 tsp. lemon juice
1 Tbsp. brown sugar
2 tsp. cider vinegar
1 tsp. mustard
2 T. Tomato paste
1/3 c. H2O
A few dashes of Tabasco
Put tofu on plate with paper towels, put another plate on top and weight down to drain out some moisture for about 30 minutes, then cube.
Sautée veggies and spices. Mix sauce ingredients. Combine veggies and tofu and put in a shallow pan, about 8×4 inches. Cover and bake at 350 for about a half hour then uncover for another 30, stirring periodically.

#veganGatsby

Oh, it is my clever hash marks to indicate a hash recipe. Clever, clever.
I do love it when literature and food collide. I was re-reading The Great Gatsby(yes I am a nerd, I also re-read A Tale of Two Cities every few years), and came to the line “A succulent hash arrived, and Mr. Wolfsheim, forgetting the more sentimental atmosphere of the old Metropole, began to eat with ferocious delicacy”. I’d already written a draft of this blog on my vegan hash when I came to this line, and it seemed like a sign that I was writing the right blog. Ok, not really a sign. Just a cool coincidence that gave me reason to add quote from F Scott Fitzgerald.
I doubt Mr. Wolfsheim’s 1920’s New York hash even remotely resembled the vegan one I made.
I posted a couple of recipes for egg hashes(and probably have one more coming!) so I decided it was time for a vegan friendly hash. Also, I love tempeh. Deeply. Almost as deeply as I love Mark Bittman. Tempeh Hash recipe from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian? Food-gasm time! That cookbook is to me what the Kama Sutra is to…I dunno, people who like sex. Which ought to be everyone.
Ok I sort of hate the term food-gasm. Yet I use it. Forgive me.
Don’t leave out the ginger in this recipe. Unless ginger is not your cup of tea in which case you really should not read this post. Though it is worth reading to check out the wicked awesome ice cubes.
Lest I ramble on incessantly about the nubbliness of tempeh, sex, Bittman and use more silly food-blog terms(Nom! Awesomesauce! Nummers! Slurp!)…just smack me and tell me to shut up. But don’t blame me if that gets me excited. Or violent. Or both. Go read some Fitzgerald.
Here’s the recipe:
Tempeh Hash(reduced to single-person size and leaving out anything I did not have on hand from Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian)
1 5 oz. white potato, diced
sea salt
freshly ground pepper
1/3 of an 8oz. block of tempeh, crumbled
1/2 c. chopped yellow onion
2 tsp. minced ginger
1 tsp. minced garlic
hot pepper flakes to taste
1 tsp. soy sauce
1/2 tsp. rice wine vinegar
1/3 tsp. sugar
1/3 c. diced red bell pepper
1/3 c. chopped cilantro
Spray a pan with nonstick spray. heat to medium-high. Add taters, let sit undisturbed til edges brown, about 5 minutes. Reduce to medium heat, sprinkle with salt and pepper and cook 10-15 more til brown, transfer to plate.
Spray again, heat to medium-high(again). Add tempeh, stir frequently til deeply colored and crisp. Add to plate with potatoes but don’t stir.
Spray for the third and last time. Put back on medium-high heat. Add onion, ginger and garlic and stir a minute or two then reduce heat to medium-low and let caramelize, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat. Whisk chile flakes, soy sauce, vinegar and sugar. Put onion mixture back over medium heat. Add tempeh and potatoes, stir until hot and sizzling, add soy mixture, toss to coat, then stir in bell pepper and cilantro. Put on plate and make purtier with additional cilantro. if you don’t want to be vegan, and a bit more Gatsby-ish you could put a fried egg on top. And have a side of bathtub gin. I ate this hot one night and cold the next and would eat it on a train, in a plane(maybe not I hate eating on planes), and definitely in Spain. Gotta get to Spain someday. Whatever you do eat ferociously, and if you are feeling dainty, with delicacy.
Questions of the day: Where do you most want to travel, and what will you eat there?
What do you like to read over and over?

Taking risks

That girl. She got me to give tofu a shot and I liked it. I upped the ante. Took on scary new things. Threw doooowwwwwn. Well I didn’t do that. At least not with the finished product. That would be unsanitary.
i decided to take on Chocolate Covered Katie’s recipe for a vegan quiche. Not only did I give tofu a chance to repeat it’s performance, but I also tried nutritional yeast(used by vegans for its cheese-like essence)and Rosemary, that herbaceous little wench. I’ve held a grudge against Rosemary ever since at the age of about ten my mom added it to one of my favorite childhood dishes, corned beef hash, and I did not care for it. Favorite dish ruined by one little herb. I’ve grown up, stopped eating corned beef or any meat, and decided it’s time I let Rosemary redeem herself.
This smelled terrific in the oven. It tasted pretty darned good too. I want to play around more with the nutritional yeast. I don’t think Rosemary and I are besties, but we can be in the same room together now.
I did nothing to alter this recipe and Katie deserves the credit for creating it so I am not going to publish the recipe myself, I am going to send you to her.
Go try something that you used to hate today. Life’s too short to hold grudges.

Tofu: a (slight) change of heart

I actually found a use for tofu that may cause me to go out and purchase more. I know, I know. I’m a vegetarian. I am supposed to love tofu. And it does, to its credit, soak up the flavors of what it is cooked in. And you can play around with it to change its texture. But all this seems like a lot of trouble when I could cook with something that is delicious without having to be pressed, frozen, thawed, marinated, basted, tied up and smacked around. However, two words that made me reconsider: Ranch Dressing. Good lord, some fries to dip would be good right now.
Who convinced me to give tofu another shot? Chocolate-Covered Katie. Sounds kinky, but she seems pretty un-kinky, which probably means she secretly is? I dunno. Sorry Katie, I will stop contemplating your kink-factor. You seem like a very sweet girl.
Anywho, she posted this recipe for Crazy-Good Ranch Dressing that is so healthy you really could eat a bowl of it, and do no damage, unless you are sensitive to soy. Not only is this stuff healthy but I did not have to do anything to the tofu except mix it with my immersion blender aka the best unsung hero of my kitchen. Love that thing. Less clean-up than a normal blender. I digress. Make this dressing. Go tell Katie she’s awesome for inventing it. I did.
Eat it up with a spoon, if you want. I ate it with broccoli. Then celery. Then roasted beets. Then said what the hell and broke out the spoon. It was worth it.

I vant to be alone. Dahhhling!

That was my sentiment this Friday. It was an exhausting week due to work and social duties and I wanted a night in. Plus I had not made anything new in a while. So! Hot date with myself, my oven and “The Big Book of Breakfast” by Maryana Vollstedt. I love breakfast foods, though definitely not in the morning. The idea of any food, let alone hot, sweet, and heavy food(my, but that sounds pornographic) first thing in the morning turns my tummy. But late at night? Bring it on.
I have hash brown potatoes in my freezer as well as soy bacon in my fridge that needed using so I decided upon the Hash Brown Potato Pie. I had to make a few adjustments: using hash brown patties instead of loose measurable hash browns, egg beaters instead of eggs, swiss cheese instead of monterey jack and of course soy instead of real bacon. So my recipe:
1 cup egg substitute
1/4 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
pepper to taste
3 hash brown patties, thawed and chopped
3 Tbsp. chopped green onion
4 slices of soy bacon, chopped
1/2 cup cheddar
1/2 cup swiss
Mix everything but the swiss, spray a 9 inch pie tin with nonstick spray and pour in. Top with swiss. Cook at 350 for around a half hour.
The results:

I am now off to eat this pan of deliciousness. Well maybe not the whole thing…