Everyone Else is Doin’ It

I might jump off the bridge, I dunno. Particularly if it was a bikini bridge. I’m pretty much repulsed by that whole thing. The fact that it started as a hoax should say something about how dumb it is. Has anyone noticed that the latest body goals of women don’t have anything to do with the body, but rather with the absence of body? The thigh gap. The bikini bridge is the empty space between the swimsuit and your body as the bikini stretches across your sharp pointy hipbones. Gross. Okay, that is enough venting.

I have far too much to do to be jumping off Thinspiration Bridge, and I have enough practice with falling from high high heights. Maybe I’d do the real bridge jump, but I would have a nice bouncy trampoline arranged to catch me. That could be fun. Kidding, Mom. Just kidding. I wouldn’t put my head at risk, never fear.

In this post, we are going to look at chocolate as a metaphor for the trampoline under the bridge. And the jumping part I am partaking of is a green smoothie, which EVERYONE else is blogging up these post-holidays days.

My lack of spare time is actually part of why I make so many friggin’ smoothies. The other part is my deep love of wielding my immersion blender aka my kitchen paramour (I fit him in between the sexy beast and my boyfriend). A male friend of mine saw the base of it sitting out and briefly thought that it attached to something that would help me deeply love myself. I showed him the bladed attachment and assured him I am not that much of a masochist.

According to every other single blog in the entire universe, the green smoothie is what will save you, not kill you. Oh yes, it is “cleansing season” which is ridiculous, if you ask me. In theory it sounds lovely but in reality it is just a bunch of vegetables and juicers and blenders and overly enlightened people. Sorry if you are one of them. It’s ok. Different strokes for different folks. You’ve got your bridge and I have my trellis. This smoothie will neither cleanse you nor do your laundry, but it is tasty and healthy-ish.

All this being said, the fact that everyone was making these things called “Green Monsters” was intriguing. A well-named recipe can really lure a girl in. I do enjoy a good smoothie, so I gave a few recipes a try. After recovering from the various taste-bud wounds inflicted from jumping off overly banana-y tasting bridges, I decided to devise my own protein-filled, smooth, tasty, almost-ice-cream-sort-of smoothie that yah, yah, had some green in it, but in the form of fresh mint, yah? Yah. If you don’t have the fresh mint you can use some peppermint extract but then you only have a green-in-theory Chocolate Monster.

This Green Monster is rather pretty, to be called a monster, what with the fresh mint. But then, in real life monsters are neither green nor monstrous. Nor chocolate-y. Discuss.

Mint Chocolate Monster
1/2 cup cottage cheese
6 Tbsp. Chocolate protein powder (this recipe hinges on good-tasting protein, I use the MRM Veggie Protein)
big, big ol’ handful of fresh mint
handful of spinach if you feel it
1/2 a frozen banana, also optional
1 1/4 cup chocolate almond milk
sweetener of any ilk to taste
pinch of xanthum gum, if you like a super-thick drink
Blend like your life depends on it. You needs must blend this until you think it cannot get smoother and then a minute longer to get the aerated smooth texture. Unless you own a vita-mix in which case you probably just have to pulse it a second and you’ll have hot smoothie soup. If you have a vita-mix, good on ya. I’m jealous.

Third Annual Pumpkin Week in Spring Day Two: Pumpkin protein pancakes

In a shocking move on my part, I’m going to say these are not the pancake to put butter on.
Observe cottage cheese and cinnamon topping.
It’s Tuesday. You’re busy, I’m busy (doing my mistress) and I think I should just get on with the goods.
Pumpkin Protein Pancakes from the NuNaturals recipes originally from Foods of April
1/2 c. Cottage cheese
1/2 c. Liquid eggs whites(3-ish)
1/2 c. Pumpkin
1/3 c. Oats
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. ginger
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking powder
A few drops of liquid stevia
Use a blender, food processor or immersion blender(weapon of my choice) and blend.
Heat up a pan or griddle, give a spray of something non-stick, and cook em up.

Pizza Pancake: Un-pizza Day 3

I love pancakes. But I tend to think of them as sweet and not savory.
Nevertheless.
This recipe for pizza pancakes fit my pizza theme.
Moreover.
It looked awesome.
All the same.
I knew I must make it.
It is vegan, until, like me, you add cheese. Unless it is faux cheese. I made one with melted mozzarella on top and one with a side of cottage cheese. I would be more likely to consider vegan-ism if there were a faux cottage cheese.

I’m not sure these would quell any major pizza craving.
Also I’d say this is a single serving. It makes four small cakes.

What are your favorite vegan substitutes? Do you know if anyone makes a vegan cottage cheese?

Pizza Pancakes(adapted just a tad from Heather Eats Almond Butter)
1/2 c. old-fashioned oats
1/2 c. H2O
2 Tbsp. ground flaxseed
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1/2 dash dried marjaram
1/2 tsp. dried basil
1/2 tsp. dried parsley
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. onion powder
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
Freshly ground salt and pepper
Grind oats to a flour in food processor. Combine all ingredients and allow to sit 10-15 minutes to thicken. Heat up a pan or griddle over low heat. Stir batter again, spray pan with non-stick element of your choosing and cook. Doctor them up as you see fit.

mega-gruel

It tasted good. It looked extra gruel-ish. I was trying to make Mark Bittman’s Cottage Cheese Patties. I thought I did not drain the cottage cheese enough because the patties just completely liquified over heat. The glop was deeeeelicious though.
I decided to make the sweet variation on them, (which omits the onion and herbs and adds lemon juice, lemon zest, sugar and cinnamon)using the other half of the egg from the first batch(I’d halved the original recipe). This time I squeezed out much more liquid of the cottage cheese.
And it failed again. And it did not even taste that good. Too lemony.
Bittman has never let me down before.
Please, someone out there try the Cottage Cheese Patties recipe and tell me it worked for them! I need to regain my faith in Mark, but I’m too tired to cook anything else from his book right now…