Jurassic Pie Party complete with Dinosaur-Sized Wine

Do you ever have a lot of things just sort of serendipitously collide at the right time?
I did not have a lot of these things happen but for name-related reasons I was absurdly pleased to receive wine from Modern House Wines to try. One of them was a GIANT bottle called, quite cheekily, “Go Big”. The name pleased me because I got this wine right before the next installment of Pie Party I was throwing with my friends Alice and Joel: Jurassic Pie.

Dinosaurs are big. So was this wine. It was meant to be! More about the vino in a bit but…this party. You guyssssss, this party!

This was a Jurassic Pie Party, so-themed because I had dinosaur cookie cutters I really wanted to use. I decided that gingerbread dinosaurs would be exceptional parading across a pumpkin pie. I was so very right. Jungle-ish attire was suggested-I only rummaged up some leopard print but that’s okay.

We were also going to have a velociraptor dance contest. Somehow large amounts of pie(s), gingerbread cookies, Manhattans, and wine got in the way of that. But I’m sure there would have been some priceless velociraptor action if we actually got around to it.

This was the infamous high-brow/low-brow dual crusted Frito-crusted pie, partially responsible for lack of ability to dance.

I had cookie cutters for a t-rex, a velociraptor, a triceratops, a brontosaurus, a pterodactyl and my personal favorite, the stegosaurus. Since the upscale frito-crusted pie I’ve been perfecting is sort of tex-mex we re-christened the t-rex as a T-Mex. He listens to Ice-T. This pie was demolished rapidly, and the pumpkin pies and apple tart fell almost as fast.

Joel and I were pitting a couple of different pumpkin pies against each other. His was a classic condensed milk recipe and mine involved evaporated milk and sugar. We ended up agreeing one wasn’t necessarily better than the other because they are two different breeds of pie. Mine had a lot more spices and his was a bit lighter, I thought, and tasted more purely of pumpkin. So it all depends what you are after.

The biggest winner(s) of the night though were the gingerbread cookies. I usually have good luck with Baking Illustrated and seeing as their classic gingerbread is my favorite gingerbread, I figured they would not let me down in the gingerbread cookie department. Good lord did they not.

Another important thing learned was that if you want to give your stegosaurus candy corn spikes then you need to freeze the candy corn before baking so it does not melt and spread.

The dealio on the vino. They are made for Target. Oprah likes them. I like that vintner behind them, Alexis Swanson Traina is female. That is rare, being as the booze-world in general seems to be largely a boys club. That may just be my perspective, I dunno, but if you have proof that the ratio of women vintners to male is equal, I would like to see it.

These wines are the wine equivalent of shopping at Target: Too easily done and you will end up consuming more than you planned. All of which is to say I enjoyed the wine. Really, very pleasant wines. Juicy. Not very dinosaur-y. But that is okay. Sometimes it is about size.

The normally-sized bottle I received is called Help is Here: light bodied, some spice, berries, makes me think of eating fluffy gingerbread on a hill. Enjoyable. Mildly vegetal in a good way. Smooth. Sweet.

Both pair well with these wondrous cookies. This recipe makes a decent amount of them but they were devoured practically before the party started. Dinosaurs are not as filling as one would think.

Gingerbread Cookies adapted from Baking Illustrated from the folks behind America’s Test Kitchen
3 cups unbleached all-purpose flour (measured by stirring the flour then dipping the measuring cup in then leveling the top)
3/4 cup light brown sugar (the book say to use dark but light is all I had)
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1 Tbsp. ground cinnamon
1 Tbsp. ground ginger
1/2 tsp. ground cloves
1/2 tsp. salt
12 Tbsp. unsalted butter, softened but still cool, sliced up
3/4 cup molasses (pro tip:grease your measuring cup first and it will m=be much easier to get all the molasses out)
2 Tbsp. milk (I used almond)
In a food processor, process the flour, brown sugar, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and salt just to blend. Strew the butter pats over and process until it looks sandy, around 15 seconds. With machine running, pour in the molasses and milk slowly and process until evenly moistened and forming mass.
Scrape it out and divide in two. Roll out each part between two sheets of parchment paper to 1/4 of an inch (I did some thinner to make them crisp enough to stand up) then put them on a sheet in the freezer for about 15 minutes until firmed up.

When ready to bake, heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and line baking sheets with parchment. Take out your first section of dough. Remove top parchment paper then replace. Flip it over and flip and discard that parchment. Cut yer cookies and bake ten-ish minutes give or take. They will be set and if you stick a finger in one the impression will remain. But DO NOT over bake. Molasses is horrible when burnt.Let them cool on the sheet a couple of minutes then carefully transfer to racks. They will firm up more as they cool. Repeat over and over with the rest of the dough. Every time I rerolled scraps I had to stick them in the freezer again for a while so this is a process but it is worth it. I cooked these one sheet a a time. If you want to decorate with candy corn freeze the candy corn first or you will have a sugary melty mess. It will still taste good, if you are into straight up sugar which obviously I am since I like candy corn, but it will not retain the shape. So freeze it up. Bake it up. Do the dinosaur.

Sticky

Sticky situation, when you make something as a gift and there is something wrong with it. See number two.

Two things I learned in the last week:

1) Just when you have given up on something, that is when it comes back. I had not gotten assigned a review from Blackboard Eats in forever (despite writing a month or so ago to remind them of my presence on their roster of reviewers) and decided that either my last review must have been horrible or that they had found more writers whom they liked better. Then out of nowhere they sent me to Sage which I reviewed here. Seriously the best vegan food ever. Go to Echo Park and indulge.

2) Pull your hair back in the kitchen. I made a new gingerbread recipe to give a friend for Christmas. I put a bit of the batter in a single muffin tin so I would be able to try it. I gave the gingerbread to my luckylucky friend. Later on, I tasted the muffin. Hot diggity, Cook’s Illustrated is the best. So I waited to hear what my friend thought.

He thought it was pretty good except one of my hairs was in it. Humiliation.
What the hell kind of Christmas present is that?

Pull your hair back in the kitchen.

3) Apparently I am intriguing and/or amusing enough to merit a Liebster award! The delightful super-runner-ridiculously-smart (she’s on her way to being a doctor) Nadiya nominated me. I gots me some facts (11) to give, some questions (11) to answer and some questions (11) to ask (surprise!) eleven other bloggers. It is a narcissists dream, I tell ya. Skip to past the recipe for all the Liebster lovin’.

For those of you who just want some sticky sweets, get cleaned up and get yer bake on.

This is the best gingerbread I’ve ever made and I shall love it forevah and evah cross my heart and secure my hairnet.

Gingerbread from Baking Illustrated (adapted jut a tad from Cook’s Illustrated)

2 1/4 c. Sifted flour
2 Tbsp. buttermilk powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
2 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. cloves
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1/2 tsp. allspice
1 tsp. Dutch-processed cocoa powder
8 Tbsp. butter-melted and cooled to room temp
3/4 c. Molasses(not the robust or blackstrap type)
3/4 c. Sugar
1/2 c. Water
1/2 c. Almond milk
1 egg
Heat the oven to 350 F.
Whisk flour, buttermilk powder, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, allspice and cocoa together.
In another bowl beat butter, molasses, sugar, water, almond milk, and egg on low speed one minute.
Add to dry ingredients and beat on medium for a couple of minutes, scraping the sides of the bowl to get all the flour in. But don’t get carried away, you don’t want a ton of air whipped into this.
Spray a 9-inch square pan (I first lines mine with nonstick foil) with nonstick spray. I deeply fear sticking. Pour batter in. Even out with a spatula. Bake around 40 minutes. You want the top to spring back a bit when you lovingly touch it, and the sides should be pulling away. Take out. Cool as much or little as ye please.

Liebster time!

11 Random Facts
1) I wrote a play about breasts called FLAT: a play about small breasts and everything else that’s great in life.
2) I go hiking at night-the Sierra Club leads these arse-kicking hikes through Griffith Park that are perfect for vampires like me.
3) When I was 14 I hung out with satanist vampire wanna-be’s nearly twice my age. Stupid move on everyone’s part, but I’ve got stories to tell.
4) I have a bionic arm. The white stuff is metal:

5) I used to draw all the time. In college I even took classes at the art school part of Wash U but between studio time drawing and rehearsal/class time for acting I ran out of time and frankly, creative energy
6) I love animals. I wanted to be a vet up until I was maybe 14 and changed my plan to acting.
7) I was a C-section baby
8) I am a hard-core minimalist when it comes to furniture and decor. There is nothing more beautiful than empty space. I don’t like owning too much stuff, although I hang on to clothes because I never know when I’ll need something for a role or audition.
9) I don’t love kale (I prefer Swiss chard) and I think agave syrup is no good. No good at all. Give me some friggin’ corn syrup.
10) I played and performed taiko drums with a group in St. Louis. Taiko drums are the large, thundering Japanese drums. Here is me doing it! We got hired to play all over the Midwest, actually. If you want to see them, contact them here.
11) I am getting really into wine and cocktail mixing but I hate being drunk and avoid it much as I can. I don’t mind getting relaxed yeah, I really hate feeling drunk

And now my answers to Nadiya’s questions. I’d list the questions but based on my answers I am going hope y’all can figure them out.
1) Number one thing I love about having my blog is probably when I can be really funny or maybe it’s that I am much more experimental than unused to be. No, it’s the laughter thing.
2) My relatives do know about my blog.
3) If I could change one thing about the world it would be that we’d follow the golden rule more and treat others the way we want to be treated.
4) My favorite song is…geez, I don’t know. Something by Nine Inch Nails, if I really had to pick. Or Bach’s cello suite number one in G major.
5) If I could learn another language it would be Japanese, I started classes in it in college but remember nothing. Heh, I could talk to my agent in his original language then think it is a beautiful language though and I’d like to visit Japan…
6) …which brings me to my dream destination: Japan. Of places I’ve never been I want to go there-of places I’ve been though I really want to go back to Paris.
7) The craziest thing I’ve ever done was probably the weird eating/exercising behavior I had when I was all eating disordered and stuff.
8) My favorite subject in school was probably art class. No, Spanish class. No, art.
9) I never cheated on a test.
10) My favorite hot beverage is a cup of coffee at Meshuggah in St. Louis. They hand make each cup, basically giving you an Americano: espresso and hot water.
11) If safety were no an issue a pet snow tiger would be lovely.

My nominated bloggers-who I am not sure if even read my blog but we shall see…and guys, if quizzes aren’t your thang, feel free to skip and take my nomination as an expression of my admiration for what you do:)
1) Sabrina at Miboso. Full of good life stuff from one of the most caring and lovely humans I have the privilege of knowing.
2) Joy the Baker who I am positive doesn’t read my blog but if you don’t read her already, you should.
3) Shin’s Vegan Lovin’
Even if you aren’t vegan, she makes awesome vegan bento that are too cute in all the right ways. Go ooh and ah at the adorable creations.
4) Eden who writes Eden Eats Everything. She is so funny and probably too cool to be reading this, but I’d love to know her answers.
5) Ellie, one of the sisters who write Boots n Burbs. You never know what little bit of awesome-ousity they’ll be posting from music to vocabulary to clothing.
6) Melissa at Melissa Was Here. She’s a model. Tells it like it is.
7) Ameena at Fancy That, Fancy This who chronicles her life in a way that you can’t stop reading. Ameena, if you are too busy or find this a pain in the arse to do, no sweat-I can only imagine how wickedly busy life as a working mom is. But the offer to take part is yours if you like.
8) Kelly at Foodie Fiasco. So clever you wouldn’t believe she’s 15.
9) Averie who writes Averie Cooks. Great recipes!
10) Either one or both of the Spoon Fork Bacon girls. Their
photography is smashing.
11) Eleanor who founded this site with me and now writes the interesting and informative Vicinity Blog. Go read it and contemplate her genius. She’s my fwife so of course I want to know what she’s thinking. Although I know her busy life so Eleanor of you don’t wanna do it, no sweat.

Now the questions, many of which have possibly been asked before:
1) What is your favorite office supply? For instance, are you a post-it abuser or is the three-hole punch more your style? Do tell.
2) If forced to wear one color forever what would it be?
3) Favorite adult beverage-you can give both a summer and winter one if you want, because I know the season affects choices. Kelly (or any bloggers who don’t drink)you can tell me a non-adult drink or if you like the virgin types of alcoholic drink you enjoy.
4) Do you root, root, root, for any team or love any sport? Did you play it?
5) Do you keep your nails or toes polished? How and by who?
6) Write me a four sentence short story.
7) Do you prefer shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet?
8) Have any phobias?
9) What do you geek out about? Comics? Cooking? Movies? Chemistry? Inquiring minds want to know.
10) Were you an only child? Or if you had siblings, how many and where do you fall in the line-up?
11) What is the best thing about and/or favorite place to go where you live?

Phew, that was exhausting. I’m spent. I’m going to eat some more Christmas cookies now.

please be ginger

I’m tender, this time of year. No really.
Christmas carols make me cry. And there is NOTHING worse than hearing the goddawful versions of “I’ll be Home for Christmas”. I shudder.
So I reverted to a favorite old 1950’s housewife-y cookbook to bake a present for a friend.
Instant cheer. I remembered I have about a billion things in my life to be happy about. Seriously no need to be mope-ey, unless I’m rehearsing another goth-y role.
Christmas food gifting is where it is at. Brings me joy and cheer and merriment. Hopefully brings the recipient all those things too. I made a friend of mine this gingerbread-which technically is a molasses bar cookie, but it seems gingerbread-y to me. All was well. Cheer abounded and my home smelled happy. Success. Sweet success.
No, literally, sweet success.
I’m gonna go make some pomanders or something.
Question for you, readers-please comment! Gingerbread, gingerbread people, or gingersnaps? And holiday tunes, yes or no?
Molasses Creams(adapted from the Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook-well it was new in 1953)
1 Tbsp. butter
3 Tbsp. smart balance
1/4 cup splenda
1/4 cup molasses(I used regular, the recipe calls for “light”-just don’t use blackstrap)
1/4 cup hot water
2 Tbsp. beaten egg
3/4 cup flour
1/4 tsp. salt
3/4 tsp. baking powder
1/8 tsp. baking soda
1/4(heaping) tsp. instant espresso
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. cloves
Powdered sugar(plus milk if you want to make a spreadable frosting-I had none so I just sifted a thick layer over the bars and called it snow)
Cream butter, splenda and smart balance. Beat in molasses and egg. Add hot water and beat in. sift in remaining ingredients and beat until well blended. I baked this in an 8×8 pan I made slightly smaller by lining with aluminum I folded in to make more like an 8×7 pan. I’d maybe just use something like a 9×5 in the future. Either way put it in a 350 degree oven and bake approximately 20 minutes-just keep an eye on it and when a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, it’s done. Whilst still warm, sift powdered sugar over.