Second Annual Un-Pizza Week Day Six: hey cupcake!

I may be onstage as you read this!
Why are you not at the theatre laughing at me?
If I am funny in a forest and you are not there to laugh at me, should I laugh at myself?
What qualifies a cupcake as a cupcake as opposed to a muffin?

I think deep thoughts during pilot season.

I think probably too much about cake.

I tend to think there are three pillars of cupcake-ry. Not counting shape.
Which a lot of folks do.
Saying that anything in a small, cylindrical shape qualifies as a cupcake explains things like “lasagna cupcakes” and the recipe I made for called Pizza Cupcakes.

If I ran things, these wouldn’t be a pizza cupcake because I have exacting cupcake requirements.
First off, there is flavor. A proper cupcake should be sweet.
But sweetness is not enough, or many muffins would be experiencing crises of identity.

Secondly, there must be proper texture. A cupcake must be a bit fluffier than the average muffin. I think I actually prefer muffin texture. Dense chewiness is my preference.

Thirdly, there must be a frosting. Hopefully more than there is cake, in my opinion unless it is that vapid whipped frosting that is oh so bland. Give me dense buttercream or ganache or give me a muffin.

I don’t really love cupcakes, even ones that meet my criteria. I would much, much rather have a big honkin’ slab of cake on a plate, with a fork that I can use to dissect it as I see fit. Much as I prefer ice cream in a dish to in a cone.
Plus, a slice of cake usually has a higher frosting to cake ratio.

So why on earth would I, cupcake adversary and defender of sliced cake, make these?

Because they meet none of MY cupcake criteria.

But they are delightful as their own thing. In this recipe a “pizza cupcake” is a small, textured, savory loaf topped with cheese and veggie pepperoni.

I found these so-called cupcakes here.

I reduced this recipe to make only a few and healthed it up a bit, baby…because if it is not dessert (for mental health) it may as well be healthy for…healthy health.

Un-pizza Un-Cupcake adapted from Kirbie’s Cravings

6 Tbsp. flour
2 Tbsp. wheat bran
2 tsp. sugar or stevia
1 tsp. baking powder
2 Tbsp. applesauce
4 tsp. beaten egg
2 Tbsp. almond milk
Pinch or two salt
2 oz. grated Swiss cheese, grated (yes, I know mozzarella would be more pizza-ish)
Soy pepperonis, chopped
Heat yer oven to 400 blistering degrees Fahrenheit and spray 4 muffin cups.
Whisk together flour, bran, baking powder, sugar or stevia, and salt. Whisk in applesauce, egg, and milk until very well blended. Blend in 1 oz. cheese. Bake about 10-12 minutes. Top with remaining cheese and pepperonis. Bake several more minutes. Until it seems done. Use your senses. Your accuracy is none of my business.
Have a slice of cake as dessert.

Like, total duh! Unda!

At least I am like, so totally guessing it is pronounced “un-duh”. Like, yeah totally!
I figured it was time to get with the program and cook something from, or at least inspired by 101 Cookbooks.
But really I was looking for easy. So I did not follow the precise recipe from Heidi, but simplified this, basically an egg fused with a tortilla which Heidi says is “unda-style”.
Oh god, I shouldn’t refer to her as Heidi. Like we’ve met. Then again I talk about my man Mark(Bittman) all the time like he’s the love of my cooking life so I don’t know why I’m worrying about poor Heidi. Hi Heidi! You rock. So do your undas.
Undas consist of cooking an egg with a tortilla over it so they attach to each other. Then you flip and add other tasty things if you like and fold.
I had leftover Egg Beaters(from making cookie dough-I needed that pasteurized egg product to avoid salmonella), and corn tortillas, plus still wanted to play with nutritional yeast as a cheese substitute so I decided to use that to sprinkle on the flipped tortilla/egg. I also whisked some freshly ground black pepper and thyme into the egg and sprinkled the finished product with some sea salt.
Simple, easy. Delish. I could get into this nutritional yeast thing. I plan to further play with this recipe-different herbs, different tortillas, maybe some salsa…endless possibilities. All made possible by Heidi. Really Heidi, you’re awesome. Wicked awesome.
Duh.

StupidSimpleSummerSippable

It doesn’t look like much:
Which is why I put it in a wineglass and use kick-arse ice cubes:

Can’t be goth-ish without the skull and crossbones ice cubes.
This drink is ridiculously easy and delicious: Ginger tea. Or ginger water, if you prefer. Or you could call it an infusion or even a tisane. But since this is my StupidSimpleSummerSippable I am calling it SSSS. To be pronounced like you are an angry snake.
SSSS(taught to me by my awesome neighbor Sheila-maybe I should add another S)
Slices of ginger root
Water
Bring water and ginger to a boil. Take off heat an let sit for a half hour or so. Strain and chill. Garnish with cool ice cubes, a slice of lime, or whatever you fancy. Also delish with a splash of pomegranate or cranberry juice. Ssssooooo refreshing.

Taking risks

That girl. She got me to give tofu a shot and I liked it. I upped the ante. Took on scary new things. Threw doooowwwwwn. Well I didn’t do that. At least not with the finished product. That would be unsanitary.
i decided to take on Chocolate Covered Katie’s recipe for a vegan quiche. Not only did I give tofu a chance to repeat it’s performance, but I also tried nutritional yeast(used by vegans for its cheese-like essence)and Rosemary, that herbaceous little wench. I’ve held a grudge against Rosemary ever since at the age of about ten my mom added it to one of my favorite childhood dishes, corned beef hash, and I did not care for it. Favorite dish ruined by one little herb. I’ve grown up, stopped eating corned beef or any meat, and decided it’s time I let Rosemary redeem herself.
This smelled terrific in the oven. It tasted pretty darned good too. I want to play around more with the nutritional yeast. I don’t think Rosemary and I are besties, but we can be in the same room together now.
I did nothing to alter this recipe and Katie deserves the credit for creating it so I am not going to publish the recipe myself, I am going to send you to her.
Go try something that you used to hate today. Life’s too short to hold grudges.

The moral of this smoothie is:

I need a new blender. I use my immersion blender a lot, but it cannot crush ice. Neither can my regular blender, apparently. Also, I have been holding it together with duct tape for years now and while I do believe you can solve most of life’s problems with duct tape, safety pins and superglue, my blender is still leaking. Yep, I need a new blender. Anyone got a spare Vitamix? Ok, enough complaining about the state of my pulverizing devices.
Onwards to the recipe!
What’s almost as good as cookie dough? Cake batter!
Kaitlin with Honey’s recipe for a Cake Batter Smoothie has been on my to-make list for a while. Even though it had bananas in it, I still wanted to make it. Even though my blender did not totally crush all the ice or frozen banana, even though it did not really taste like cake batter to me, even though I did not have the chocolate protein powder Kaitlin recommends and had to use vanilla, even though even though even though, stuff and nonsense, I actually really liked this. I didn’t notice the banana really, which I count as a good thing. In my book, bananas should stick to breads most of the time. However, this application worked. I adored the usage of raw oats, much more than I liked the cooked oats in this shake. If I can only get my hands on a better batter blender, sweet smoothie victory shall be mine.
Cake Batter-ish Smoothie(slightly altered from Kaitlin with Honey’s blog, maybe that’s why it is only batter-ish)
3 ice cubes
2 Tbsp. oats
1/3 cup almond milk
1/3 frozen banana
4 tsp. vanilla protein powder(appropriately, the flavor of my Iron-tek powder was Vanilla Cake)
1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
dash of cinnamon
Blend, blendy blend blend. If you are me drink it in fancy stemware. Everything tastes better sipped from an elegant vessel:

Tofu: a (slight) change of heart

I actually found a use for tofu that may cause me to go out and purchase more. I know, I know. I’m a vegetarian. I am supposed to love tofu. And it does, to its credit, soak up the flavors of what it is cooked in. And you can play around with it to change its texture. But all this seems like a lot of trouble when I could cook with something that is delicious without having to be pressed, frozen, thawed, marinated, basted, tied up and smacked around. However, two words that made me reconsider: Ranch Dressing. Good lord, some fries to dip would be good right now.
Who convinced me to give tofu another shot? Chocolate-Covered Katie. Sounds kinky, but she seems pretty un-kinky, which probably means she secretly is? I dunno. Sorry Katie, I will stop contemplating your kink-factor. You seem like a very sweet girl.
Anywho, she posted this recipe for Crazy-Good Ranch Dressing that is so healthy you really could eat a bowl of it, and do no damage, unless you are sensitive to soy. Not only is this stuff healthy but I did not have to do anything to the tofu except mix it with my immersion blender aka the best unsung hero of my kitchen. Love that thing. Less clean-up than a normal blender. I digress. Make this dressing. Go tell Katie she’s awesome for inventing it. I did.
Eat it up with a spoon, if you want. I ate it with broccoli. Then celery. Then roasted beets. Then said what the hell and broke out the spoon. It was worth it.

#ChipotleEggs

Ok, so technically this dish was Chipotle Egg Hash but I could not resist playing on that by hash-tagging it. Get it? I am too easily amused.
This dish intrigued me because
a)Who ever heard of sauteeing hard-boiled eggs?The cookbook-writing love of my life Mark Bittman, that’s who. Crazy!
b)chipotles. spicy. num. all in lower-caps for some reason.
c)Before I became a vegetarian at the age of 12 hash of the corned beef variety was one of the few meat dishes I really dug.

This dish totally rocked. Adding chipotles was a variation on the original recipe, which I am going to give a whirl, as well as a couple of the other variations, methinks. In the meantime, try this because it is easy and awesome.
Chipotle Egg Hash(slightly adapted from How to Cook Everything Vegetarian by Mark Bittman)
olive oil spray
2 tsp. butter, divided
1 white potato
salt
freshly ground pepper
2 hard-boiled eggs
1 tsp. chopped garlic
2 Tbsp. green onions
1 canned chipotle pepper in adobo sauce, minced
cilantro

Dice potato. Spray a skillet with olive oil and melt 1 teaspoon butter over medium high heat. Add potato, salt and freshly ground pepper and cook about five minutes undisturbed then stir, turn heat to medium and cook until browned, about 10 minutes. Add a splash of water to pan, scrape up any tasty browned bits, transfer all to a plate.
Separate whites and yolks. Mash yolks with the chipotle and chop whites into big chunks. Melt 1 teaspoon butter over medium-high, add whites and cook undisturbed until they are browning and sizzling. Add salt and freshly ground pepper. Stir, add garlic and cook a bit more. Stir in potatoes and green onion and cook a bit more. Lastly stir in yolk mixture. Garnish with cilantro. Don’t forget the cilantro. Unless you are one of those nutjobs who does not care for it. Kidding. You are not a nutjob, but you are missing out.

Spicy Hot Pimiento Cheese Spread

Enjoyed on a fork with the company of flowers:

The above picture is to compensate for the gruel-ishness appearance of this spread. But in case you are interested, here it is in the spotlight:

This was from another recipe from my Texas Blossoms cookbook. I have a deep love of pimiento cheese. I’d eat it with a fork, on a tortilla, on bread(make a sandwich of this and put it in your waffle iron-magic!), on a train, on a plane, under a flower, with a whiskey sour…it is soooo good. So far the best recipe I’ve come across for regular pimiento cheese is from The Joy of Cooking. Spicy pimiento cheese spread is a slightly different beast, but, dare I say, equally delish.I changed a few things for this recipe, but not much. My rendition:
Spicy Hot Pimiento Cheese spread adapted from Texas Blossoms
4 cups of finely grated sharp lowfat Cheddar
2/3 cup finely chopped onion, rinsed
1/2 cup seeded, rinsed, minced, jalepeno
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 seven ounce jar diced pimientos
1/4 cup chopped cilantro(TX Blossoms says this is optional but I say it isn’t because it balances the spicy perfectly)
1 cup vegan mayo

Mix all but the mayo. Add mayo, mix. Enjoy in a tree, with a bee, on a boat, in a moat…

Soggy bread:this food looks extra gruel-ish and tastes extra scrumptious

Normally I am not too into the meat substitutes. But I was lured in by the promise of soggy bread. In the form of biscuits and gravy. More specifically this Food and Wine Magazine recipe for Whole Wheat Biscuits with Creamy Sausage Gravy. The fact that the gravy contains chipotles in adobo was reason enough for me to believe I’d like this. Soggy bread AND spicy sauce? YUM. For that, I went out and purchased Yves Veggie Cuisine Meatless Ground Turkey.
And the bicuits, lemme tell you, at first blush the recipe looks like one for fairly standard whole wheat biscuits, but, AHA! is that kosher salt it calls for? Oh yeah. The kosher salt provides some textural intrigue as the grains are large and add random bits of crunch to the biscuit. YUM again. The original recipe is here and this was my half-recipe vegetarian adaptation(single vegetarians of the world rejoice):
Biscuits:
1/2 + 2 TB. all purpose flour
1/4 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 tsp. baking powder
1/8 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. kosher salt(important!)
3 TB. butter
6 TB. buttermilk
Preheat oven to 425. Whisk dry ingredients, cut in butter, stir in buttermilk until dough almost comes together. Dump it out, knead until it is just barely a cohesive mass. Pat out 1/2 inch thick and make biscuits whatever size and shape makes you happy.
Bake about 20 minutes.
Gravy
1/2 package vegetarian ground turkey substitute
1 tsp. ground sage
1 chipotle in adobo, minced
1/4 tsp. each of salt n pepper(freshly ground)
1 Tbsp. whole wheat flour
1 cup skim milk
1 Tbsp. snipped chives
Cook and break up fake meat in a medium pan over medium high heat. Stir in sage, chipotles, salt, pepper and flour. Cook one minute. Add milk, simmer until thick, about five minutes. Pour on biscuits and enjoy.
If you are odd like me and like to eat foods that are supposed to be hot, cold, save some gravy in the fridge. The next day it is super thick and good. Possibly even better though it won’t make your biscuits soggy…

Look ma, I garnished: Pumpkin week day 3

Considerably more attractive than yesterday’s shake, eh? I am particularly excited for this Pumpkin Protein Shake, changed only a bit from Meals and Moves, because it is thanks to this blog that I discovered the wonders of xanthum gum. And as soon as I manage to find guar gum I hope to experience more shake magic. One of my complaints about protein shakes is that they either have too little body, or too much ice. How to get a thick, creamy texture without having to add ice? Use one of these gums. It makes your shake like almost like pudding. Liiiiiiike puddin’. So I’ll quit my yammering and give you the recipe I made last night:
Pumpkin Protein Shake(adapted-just barely-from Meals and Moves)
1 cup plain unsweetened almond milk
1 serving vanilla protein powder
1/2 cup pumpkin(from a can)
4 tsp. cinnamon
generous pinches of ginger and nutmeg
small pinch ground cloves
dash of vanilla
1/2 tsp. xanthum gum
sweetener to taste(is used a few packets of Equal-yeah I know its bad for you oh well)
Blend it up. Pour it in a glass and if you’re feeling frou-frou garnish with a dash of cinnamon and a shot of Reddi-whip. Love that stuff.